Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
