I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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