do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
