3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
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