We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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