and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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