Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
