my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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