I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
