I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
