Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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