just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
