Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think i got beer on your cat.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
