Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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