my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
