omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
