Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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