Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
