Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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