Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
