I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
