I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
