Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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