did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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