I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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