Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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