doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Randomize
