I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
