there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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