Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
