life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm having to shit out rocks
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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