Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
