What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
