the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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