dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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