You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
