My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
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