turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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