Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He felt like a one man threesome
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
