I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
