fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
