I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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