Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
