Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
