i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
