i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
