1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Text me some of your sweat
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