I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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