I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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