remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
