My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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