I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
