so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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