My first STD was from a foam party
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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