i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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