he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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