FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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