dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
