I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
